The Random Ramblings of Revan
by Roc Lammergeier
Summary: Written by two authors, Potatoe Girl and Roc Lammergeier, this is a collection of silly stories about Revan and her adventures during the game.  Rated T for suggestive content and some violence.
1. A Duel to the Death 1

_This is a collection of short stories compiled by my friend, Potatoe Girl, and I. All the stories were written by both of us, unless otherwise specified. Fair warning: these stories are not in chronological order._

_Oh, and we have decided to use the female version of Revan, even though in the new book coming out in September Revan is male. We thought the female version would have more usable material._

_We hope you enjoy!_

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><p><strong><span>A Duel to the Death: Version 1<span>**

_By Roc Lammergeier_

The mechanical metal doors to the bridge slid open at my touch, exposing my party and I to the Sith waiting for us inside. Admiral Karath was there, too: Carth had told me of his bitter betrayal. I felt horrible for Carth, though, because of my Jedi training, I knew I couldn't exactly give him the revenge he wanted. It would corrupt Carth's _soul_. And his soul was too pure to corrupt; it would be a shame and a pity.

Ironically, the only things I noticed were the shiny floors. I kept covertly glancing at them as we approached the Admiral and his bodyguards, wondering how they kept the floor so pristine. If the Sith represented all that was evil, shouldn't ugliness and filth be among their favorite things? And why did all the troopers have shiny armor? Didn't it get hot and uncomfortable? Why was I rambling?

"Very resourceful," Admiral Karath greeted us, but his attentions were focused on Carth. He was old, with a bit of a five-o-clock shadow and a balding scalp, and he was wearing an itchy-looking military suit bedecked in medals. Very uncomfortable. I liked my free-flowing Jedi robes, but that was beside the point. The Admiral opened his mouth to speak again, looking directly at Carth. "I assume you had some part in this; you learned your lessons well from me."

_Well, duh,_ I thought. _If he hadn't learned those lessons well he'd never have survived the Mandalorian War._ "The only thing you taught me was betrayal and death, Saul," Carth spit.

"Don't be a fool," the Admiral berated him like he was a child. "I am giving you and your companions a chance to surrender. A chance to live. Darth Malak himself is on his way, he will be arriving any moment."

For a moment, it almost sounded like Admiral Karath actually cared about Carth's fate. Then, before Carth could respond, Bastila had to yet again interject. "He speaks the truth, Carth. I can feel the Dark Lord's presence approaching."

_Thank you, Bastila!_ I thought sarcastically. The Admiral continued: "Malak will destroy you, but if you throw down your weapons now I will ask my Master to be merciful."

"I've seen enough of Sith mercy!" Carth refused.

"You always did like to do things the hard way," Admiral Karath said, slightly menacing. "Lord Malak would have preferred live prisoners, but corpses will have to do."

The Sith in the room prepared to attack us. Carth darted toward the Admiral, raising his blasters to try and shoot him in the head. Something, however, was bothering me. I wanted Carth to have his revenge, yes, but I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired of fighting: I fought to get here, and I would probably have to fight to get out. Why should I, or even the Sith, have to fight if this was just between Carth and Admiral Karath?

"WAIT!" I screamed. Apparently it worked, because everyone in the room stopped to look at me. I looked around nervously, not expecting this response, but I worked up the courage to continue. "Look, my buddy Carth here wants revenge on your Admiral, but that doesn't mean _we_ have to fight," I said, gesturing to the rest of the Sith. "I call for a duel!"

"But, we're enemies!" a Sith trooper behind me pointed out.

"So?" I looked at him. "We can fight later. It wouldn't be fair if all of you fought him while he was just trying to get revenge on one person. Surely, as Sith, you can understand revenge!"

All the troopers started nodding in agreement. Bastila yanked me down by my arm sleeve. "What are you _thinking!_" she violently whispered. "You can't be _encouraging_ him to extract revenge!"

"Look, he wants revenge, and there's nothing I can do to convince him to let it go," I responded, then yanked my arm away. I then turned to the Sith. "So, evil fellows, what do you say? A brief armistice while these two gents duke it out?"

"This is ridiculous!" one of the two Dark Jedi standing near the Admiral blurted out. "Soldiers, attack these fools!"

The troopers turned to one another, somehow using hidden facial expressions to communicate. How did they see each other through their thick, dark visors? Finally, one of the braver troopers confronted the Dark Jedi. "You know, we're sick of how you Dark Jedi treat us!" he spat. "You kill at least five of us every day, you don't let us have breaks, and you treat us like we're dirt! No, like we're less than dirt! C'mon, boys, let's get 'em!"

Miraculously, all of the Sith troopers in the room started firing on the two Dark Jedi. The surprised Dark Jedi were killed within seconds. The braver trooper walked up to me and extended his hand. "Until the end of the duel?" he asked.

"Until the end of the duel," I shook his hand. "Unless you beg for more." The trooper gave a hearty guffaw at that, then walked away. Carth, Bastila, and the Admiral were all staring at me in either surprise or confusion; it was hard to tell which.

"Okay," I clapped my hands together, and walked to the center of the room, between Carth and Admiral Karath. "So, are you both ready to duel?"

"How did you get my men to turn like that?" the Admiral asked, incredulous.

"Well, how much entertainment do you offer them?" I responded.

"Not…much," he admitted.

"Then that's how. Soldiers need their entertainment, and a duel is a great source of amusement. Anyway, put your guns away, both of you!" I commanded them. "This duel will be fought with the simplest weapon I can think of: quarterstaffs!" I pulled them out of my inventory with one smooth motion. The troopers quietly laughed at the thought of their Admiral fighting with a stick.

"But… I'm horrible with melee weapons!" Admiral Karath blurted out, then covered his mouth, but it was too late.

"Good. Then you and Carth should be well matched. Ten paces from the center." I walked toward the sidelines, where the Sith troopers were already setting up metal chairs as temporary spectator stands. I took an empty chair in the front, and, once adjusted, observed the two. They were about twenty paces from each other. Nodding, I shouted, "BEGIN!"

At first, as we all waited for something to happen, everyone was quiet. The two, unsure of what to do, looked at their quarterstaffs, then at each other, and then back to their quarterstaffs. Finally, Carth started swinging his staff at the Admiral, albeit clumsily. Thus, the duel began. Bastila finally moved over to the side as the two duelists took and gave huge amounts of ground. We were all perched on the edges of our seats, following each blow. Moments turned in to minutes, and soon everyone realized that the Admiral and Carth were too well-matched and poorly skilled, meaning the match would go on for a long, long time. Eventually, the door slid open, and we all turned to look. A Sith trooper entered, carrying two large sacks.

"I got the memo!" he told us, moving away from the combatants. "And I brought popcorn!"

"Hooray!" I shouted in unison with the other Sith troopers. The popcorn trooper took out a bunch of small bags and began filling them with popcorn. I stood in line with the others, joking around with the guys behind me, telling them a ludicrous story about how I once fought a giant monster made entirely of radioactive popcorn on a small, unknown planet armed with only a metal teacup. Of course, they laughed at the simple outrageousness of the story, but it was nice not having to be a goody-two-shoes. I received my bag of popcorn thankfully, and then returned to my seat. Bastila shot me a nasty glare, but I just gave her a stupid smile and kept walking.

As the battle progressed, more and more Sith soldiers, male and female, started showing up. Carth and Karath were so intent on destroying each other that they didn't notice the interruptions, or the noise. I began having conversations with the Sith, who seemed more human than evil. We talked mainly about some of the troopers' girlfriends and some…other things. As they got more comfortable, they started taking off their helmets, which was a nice change. It was easier to talk to someone when you could read their facial expressions. I even managed to learn all their names.

"So, what about you?" a trooper looked at me, stroking his chin. "Have a boyfriend, pretty lady?"

"Nah, men are too much of a hassle," I responded with a wave of my hand. "Ooh! Burn!" some of the soldiers cried out while the others laughed.

"What about that stick-in-the-mud over there?" another trooper gestured to Bastila. "She you're, uh, life-partner?"

I laughed loudly, enough that Bastila looked over in annoyance. "Oh, please! She's the biggest p*%$# I have ever met! If I lived with her, I'd have committed suicide a _long_ time ago! The only thing we share in common is some kind of 'mysterious bond', and that's it! Plus," I leaned in, "I'm not in to women."

That led to another round of laughter. One of the warmer women Sith leaned over to me. "So, your party member there," she nodded towards Carth, "What about him?"

"Well, he does have a nice body," I said seductively. That got yet another roar out of the soldiers. "But, you see, he had a wife, who was killed on Telos by Admiral Karath there, and he has a son on Korriban."

"A Republic soldier with a Sith son?" The troopers all laughed at the irony.

"Out of curiosity, what happened to Darth Bandon?" a Sith in the back of the group asked me.

"Oh, I killed him," I said bluntly.

"High five! I hated that b*%$#&!" I high-fived all the troopers around me. They all seemed happy that he was dead, and they laughed freely.

Behind us, a table was being set up. Ben, the brave trooper from earlier, looked behind him and called out to the men working at the table. "Logram, what're you doing?"

"Setting up a betting table," the trooper named Logram responded as he set a chalk board up on the table. Excited murmurs ran through the crowd of soldiers. "Okay, we're ready and open for business!" he announced. Another "Hooray!" was called out. Several Sith jumped up and made their bets. I got up in line, observing the battle to try and determine who had the better odds. They both looked exhausted. Splinters lay scattered on the floor from the force of their unskilled blows. Turning back to the betting table, I saw that there were seven bets for Admiral Karath and nineteen for Carth.

"So, Jedi, who'll it be?" Logram asked.

"100 credits on Admiral Karath!" I smacked the credits down on the table.

"WHAT!" Bastila turned on me. "How could you root for the Sith!"

"Sorry, I just always bet on the underdog," I cowered defensively. "Can I please change my bet? My bonded buddy over there looks like she wants to gut me like an Orchana ray."

"I normally don't do this, but okay, you can change your bet," Logram erased my name (which was just "JEDI" according to Logram, not that I minded) from under Admiral Karath's name and put it under Carth's. I returned to my seat as Bastila glared after me.

Suddenly, the tide of battle turned. The Admiral stumbled, and Carth proceeded to beat the living bantha fodder out of him. Those who had bet on Carth, myself included, began cheering him on while stuffing popcorn in our mouths. Those who had bet on Admiral Karath groaned and protested about a Republic soldier winning against a Sith captain. As I watched, I realized that Carth was actually serious about killing the Admiral.

Carth raised his quarterstaff above his head: the killing blow. Sweat poured from his face, and the bloodlust in his eyes would have scared even Canderous. Admiral Karath was sprawled on the floor, his arm raised in vain to try and shield his head from Carth's fury. I couldn't let Carth kill this man; besides, the older man was dying anyway, and we all knew it. The Force told me he had extensive internal bleeding, and he wouldn't survive long after this fight.

"STOP!" I shouted, my voice amplified by my sudden desperateness. The Sith troopers stopped screeching at my voice, but Carth completely ignored me. I stood up, gritting my teeth, and, using my burst of speed, rammed Carth out of the way before he could corrupt his soul with the black taint of the Dark side. He managed to catch himself upon landing, one knee skidding along the shiny floor. The bloodlust lessened its hold, but Carth was still maddened.

"Let me _kill him_!" Carth demanded.

"NO." I said the syllable forcefully, cold. "You have taken your revenge, Carth Onasi. Now let the man be."

"He must_ pay_!" he growled.

"ENOUGH!" I growled back. "I'm getting hoarse, so stop making me yell at you!"

Carth stared at me, but as he did so, the bloodlust finally left his eyes. His head lilted forward, and he let out a long breath. "Thanks," he whispered, barely loud enough for me to make out.

"Carth…come here…" Admiral Karath coughed from his position on the floor. With a nod from me, Carth went over to the dying man. The Admiral whispered something to Carth, and then began laughing manically at Carth's expression.

"No…that can't be true! You're lying!" Carth cried.

"Remember…this dying man's words…every time you look at your so-called friends!" He laughed cruelly, then his eyes rolled back into his head, and he died.

"Bastila, is this true?" Carth demanded, not even noticing his nemesis' death.

"We should talk about this later…" Bastila said through gritted teeth.

"Talk about what?" I asked. "And why do I have the feeling this is about me?"

"Let's go," Bastila began walking towards the door. Carth followed, throwing obscure looks back at me, like he was trying to see if I was the same person.

When they were a safe enough distance away, I turned to my Sith buddies. "So, any thoughts about what just happened?"

"Besides the fact that he's totally in to you?" the forward Sith woman clarified. "Nope."

I felt my ears redden, but I kept my peace. "Okay, so the battle's over, the armistice is over…but I really don't feel like fighting."

Ben cleared his throat. "We were thinking…If the Republic is even just a little like you, it's better than being with the Sith. We're all deserting and joining the Republic. Plus, we heard the pay is better there. And they don't kill soldiers out of spite!"

"Hooray!" I shouted, raising my arms in a silly fashion. "Wait; what happened to Malak? I thought he was on his way."

"Don't worry," Ben dismissed my concern. "That has been taken care of. Malak should be detained for quite a while."

"Thanks, buddy," I smiled. "I've got to go. Best of luck, my good fellows!"

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><p><em>Meanwhile…<em>

Malak sat in his office, shoulders slouched in submission. Sparks flew from his jammed door, his only exit from that cursed room. His computer screen was black; all the wires had been chewed through. He had no means of communication to the rest of the ship. For all he knew, Bastila and…her companion had already defeated Saul and were on their way to the hangar. Luckily, he had had enough foresight to place a trap there for them that would at least detain Bastila.

A purr interrupted his thoughts. He glanced down, annoyed, to see a wretched Gizka rub its scaly head against his arm, begging for his attention. He had already tried killing the infernal things with his lightsaber, but as soon as he killed one, another appeared. More were around his office, taking up almost all the space, and all begged to be pet. Malak rested his head wearily in his hands and muttered, "I hate my life," with the purring throngs of Gizka surrounding him.


	2. Is There a Law For That?

RL: _ So, this is another ridiculous idea we thought of. We've been working on it for about a week. I hope you all like Canderous, 'cause he's going to be in almost all of these…_

PG: _I don't know what to say soooooo... Have fun reading! We sure had fun writing this!_

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><p><span>Is There a Law For That?<span>

The horizon was afire as the bright sun of Manaan set over the pristine metropolis of Ahto City, the only city accessible to off-worlders on the blue planet of the Selkaths. Bright yellows, vibrant oranges, and brilliant crimsons painted the sky behind the deep azure of the seemingly infinite ocean. It was perfect for Revan's purposes.

With a splash, she jumped off of the lip of the floating city into the cool ocean. She was quickly submerged, the water cool and refreshing. Revan shivered despite herself in the water, whether from the cold or anticipation she could not say. Then she smiled: little did Carth know of the devious trap he was walking straight into…

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><p>The sunset would have been beautiful, but Carth was too worried to enjoy it. Revan had been missing for hours, and no one seemed to know where she had gone. HK-47, her constant companion and assassin droid, had no clue as to her whereabouts. Not even the Selkaths, who were one of the most observant sentient beings Carth had ever met, had seen her. He had been asking since noon, and was close to giving up.<p>

So, worried and anxious, he paced the lonely, seaside boulevards, looking for any sign or trace of Revan. _If she turned to the dark side…_but no, he could not think that. He had seen her true self, the side of her that she never showed anyone else, and despite the darkness that was there, he knew she was good and light.

Then, by chance, his eyes fell onto a shadowed mass hidden in the dark recesses of an alley, where no casual glance would have noticed it. Curious and slightly afraid of what it might reveal, Carth approached the object and realized it was a pile of clothes. In fact, the clothes seemed suspiciously familiar. He bent down and gingerly picked up a garment. The tan leggings unwrinkled and fluttered slightly in the gentle breeze as Carth's eyes widened in shock. _These are—_

"_Carth_," a woman's seductive voice called to him from the water.

—_Revan's pants,_ he thought, turning ever so slowly towards the ocean. Carth could feel his face start to burn red, from his jaw to the tips of his ears. Revan was giving him a smoldering gaze through shadowed lids, her irises dark and sensual against the fiery sky. Her shoulders were bare, exposing her beautiful collar bones. She smiled, as if about to let him in on a juicy little secret; one eyebrow was delicately arched. Carth felt his jaw dropping, and something started dripping from his nose. He raised a hand to wipe, but his hand came away bloody. He quickly turned away from the water and pulled out his handkerchief, stuffing it up his nose.

Once the handkerchief was sufficiently rooted in his nose, he cocked his head slightly toward the ocean, enough so Revan could hear him, but he couldn't see her except out of the very corner of his eye. Perturbed and flabbergasted, Carth inquired, "Revan, are you…are you naked?"

He barely saw Revan's smile broaden. "Maybe," she said with her suggestive voice. "Why don't you come and find out?"

Carth stood, dumbstruck, as his jaw fell again even further. In the corner of his stunned mind, he realized someone was standing at his shoulder. He gathered his senses, mustered the will, and managed to turn his head. Canderous was standing there beside him, just as dumbstruck, with his mouth gaping open and blood gushing out of his nose. He had heard every word. The two men exchanged a glance.

"Carth," Canderous succeeded in saying after a moment, "if you aren't going in there, _I will_."

Canderous then proceeded to strip down to his underwear. Running, he did a swan dive out into the water. Revan was falling over backwards from laughter, though she was trying hard to suppress it. The laughter in her eyes made her even more beautiful to Carth, so he quickly turned away.

She finally managed to stop giggling. "Canderous…when did you become so…_graceful_?"

"Graceful is my middle name," he stated, full of pride.

Revan snorted, and they both started laughing hysterically. Carth did a face-palm, which made them both laugh even harder. They shared a look, then looked at Carth, and back to each other, then they cracked up again. Revan then again turned to Carth and shouted, "He who hesitates, loses!"

The splashes, however small, soon attracted the attention of the Selkath authorities. A contingent of three of the native, amphibian beings approached Carth and the two submerged party members.

"_What is going on here?"_ the head Selkath addressed him in the coarse, almost unintelligible language of the planet.

"I…I'm so confused…" Carth sobbed.

"_Do not worry, officers,"_ Revan called from the water in the Selkaths' language. _"We are just…taking a swim."_

One of the other Selkath caught the attention of the leader and, in a low voice, asked, _"Are they even allowed to do that?"_

The lead Selkath looked to the other, but he found no answers. _"Fine,"_ he responded after a minute of intense thinking. _"Be at ease, off-worlders. We will leave you to your…'swimming'."_

The Selkaths walked away, quietly murmuring amongst themselves. Revan cracked up laughing again as soon as they were out of earshot, and Canderous joined her. Carth face-palmed himself in exasperation. Those two were helpless.

All of a sudden, large bubbles started floating to the surface of the ocean around Revan and Canderous. The giggles ceased as they tried to figure out what the source of the bubbles was. Then, Revan smiled mischievously.

"Canderous, did you—" she started.

And then, Revan disappeared beneath the surface as a huge kolto bubble surfaced. She was dragged under by the bubble's massive undertow, and the breath was knocked out of her. As she was pulled under, she knew she would run out of oxygen within forty seconds, and could die within a minute.

Carth and Canderous stared for a moment, not quite grasping what had happened. _Five seconds gone._ Carth then stripped out of his armor as he realized she was in danger. _Twenty-five seconds._

"Gah! Cursed boot!" Carth screamed as his right boot got caught in his haste.

Finally, he managed to yank it off. _Thirty-three. _He leapt off the edge of the city into the water after her. _Thirty-eight. _He saw her below, struggling to rise, but quickly running out of air. He used the momentum from his jump to dive after her, but by then she had blacked out. _Forty-two. _Her eyes lolled back in her head. One very small part of him finally noticed that she was actually wearing a skimpy bikini, the kind a Twi'lek dancer would wear. A boost of natural adrenaline allowed Carth to reach her, grab her waist, and drag her back to the surface. _Fifty._ Taking a deep breath of air, he handed Revan's limp form to Canderous, who dragged her onto the lip of the city. Carth quickly followed them, and listened to see if she was alive. _Fifty-three._

"She's not breathing!" Carth shouted to no one in particular, then took her by her bare shoulders and screamed, "DON'T DIE ON ME, REVAN!"

He started doing compressions on her. _One, two, three…_ he counted until he was desperate. Carth then tilted her head back, plugged her nose, and gave her the kiss of life. Immediately, her eyes flew open, glaring intensely at him. Revan decked him in the face, knocking him back into the water.

"So, you thought you'd get some when I was unconscious, did you!" she screamed at him.

"I was just trying to—"

"DON'T LIE TO ME, CARTH ONASI!"

"I'm serious; I was just trying to—"

"I'm ASHAMED of you, Carth! Taking advantage of a defenseless, innocent, UNCONSCIOUS woman!"

In the background, Canderous scratched his head. "_Innocent_? Revan? Preposterous!"

Carth opened his mouth to speak, but he finally realized it was futile. Throwing his hands up into the air, he climbed up the embankment back to Ahto City. Canderous then scooted over to Revan. She grinned naughtily.

"So…I take it went well?" he asked, a slow smirk spreading across his face.

Revan's grin became even naughtier (if that was possible). "Well, it didn't exactly go according to plan…I didn't exactly want to almost _die…_but the end result was satisfactory…"

Later, when Revan had changed into something decent, they returned back to the Ebon Hawk. Carth was nowhere to be seen. After one last laugh, she returned to her quarters to reminisce. A few minutes later, Canderous returned, holding a folded paper.

"What is that?" she pointed to the paper.

He silently handed it to her. Upon opening the paper, a confused look crossed her face. It was a birth certificate. Then, her eyes widened.

"Hey! Your middle name _is_ Graceful!"

Suddenly, Carth appeared out of nowhere in the background. "Wait, _what_!"

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><p><em>Meanwhile…<em>

The party of the three Selkaths entered the open courtroom. The five judges stood in their respective booths, listening to their cases with impartiality. As usual, there was a Sith and a Republic representative arguing before one of the lesser judges. The head Selkath walked up to Shelkar, the Chief Justice of the Ahto High Court. He had been conversing with a Republic soldier in low tones, but looked up when the lead Selkath came before him.

"_Your Honor, there were…uh…some off-worlders swimming in the ocean,"_ the Selkath reported, averting his eyes.

"_What?"_ another judge, Jhosa, leaned over.

"_What should we do, your Honors?"_ he asked respectfully.

The two judges looked at each other in puzzlement; Jhosa then responded, _"Wait, is there a law for that?"_

The Chief Justice shrugged. _"I don't believe so…"_

All five Selkath glanced at each other, then shrugged and went back to work.


End file.
